The Art of Active Listening with Empathy
As a psychologist working with couples and families, I see firsthand how powerful active listening can be in building stronger, more connected relationships. In our fast-paced lives, distractions are everywhere, and truly listening to our loved ones has become a rare skill. When we take the time to listen to understand rather than listening to respond, we create deeper bonds, foster trust, and strengthen emotional connections.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening goes beyond just hearing words; it’s about being fully present, understanding our partner’s emotions, and responding with care. When we listen with empathy, we not only grasp the words spoken but also the underlying feelings and perspectives that shape them.
Why active listening is vital tool for couples:
Deeper emotional connection – feeling truly heard helps strengthen our emotional bond
Fewer misunderstandings – taking time to clarify our partner’s feelings can prevent unnecessary conflict
Stronger trust and respect – being attentive reassures our partner that their thoughts and emotions matter
Emotional validation – acknowledging each other’s feelings fosters a sense of support and security.
How to practice active listening in your relationship:
Do’s:
Give your full attention – put down your phone, make eye contact, and show your partner they have your undivided focus
Use open body language – facing your partner, nodding, and leaning in slightly all show engagement
Reflect and paraphrase – summarise what your partner has shared to show you understand (e.g., “I heard you say you’re frustrated because…”)
Ask open-ended questions – encourage deeper conversation with questions like, “How did that make you feel?”
Validate their emotions – acknowledge their feelings without judgment (e.g., “that sounds really tough” or “I can understand why you feel that way”)
Be patient – allow your partner to express themselves fully without rushing in with solutions or a rebuttal.
Don’ts:
Interrupt or finish their sentences – this can make your partner feel unheard or dismissed
Judge or offer unsolicited advice – sometimes, your partner just needs to be heard, not “fixed.”
Multi-task or zone out – dividing attention sends the message that they’re not important
Dismiss their feelings – avoid saying things like, “you’re overreacting” or “it’s not a big deal.”
Make it about you – resist the urge to immediately relate their experience to your own.
From my work with couples across New Zealand, I know that active listening with empathy can be a game-changer in relationships. It takes practice, but the rewards are immense. By committing to truly hearing each other, you’ll build a relationship that is not only stronger but also more loving and connected. Give it a go today and see the difference it makes in your relationship!
If you’d like to learn more about relationship tools like this and how couples therapy could benefit you, get in contact with us to book a no obligation call.
Additional Resource: Reflective Listening
Developed by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, Imago Dialogue is a three step process of reflective listening that focuses on mirroring, validation, and empathy. When we engage in Imago Dialogue, we agree to have a conversation in a judgement-free zone with the understanding that each person’s point of view is valid. This type of inquisitive listening—and the way that the speaker gives direct feedback to the listener—completely changes the dynamic.
Try this essential practice:
Invite the other to dialogue about a specific subject. Start with something benign.
Speak from I and me (I feel…. What’s bothering me….)
The listener will mirror the speaker by saying “Let me see if I understand. You’re staying X. Did I get that right?”
The speaker will then say “yes, you did” or “you got some of it.”
The listener will then ask “is there more?”
The listener will validate the speaker by saying phrases such as “what you’ve said makes sense.”
The listener will empathize by sharing what they imagine the other person may be feeling.
Switch roles.
Reference: estherperel.com; gottman.com; video - listening with empathy